Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Guide to the Apocalypse

Let’s face it – when doomsday rolls around, your first priority is going to be compulsively trying to fix all of your minor imperfections. If you can’t fit into a size 4, it’s going to be hard fleeing from roving gangs of armed looters with your fat ass bouncing everywhere. And how else are you supposed to vie for the smoldering hottie (not the one who’s literally burning to death in hellfire!) – who may very well be the last man on earth? Here are some tricks for surviving the extermination of humanity that’ll guarantee your safety AND sex appeal.

“The Second Coming”

Heavy breathing (through a gas mask) will definitely be in order when you try this steamy move. Get on all fours, arching your back slightly. Slowly writhe your way under the nearest form of shelter, preferably a shirtless man. Once you’re there, lie on one side and wrap your arms around your knees. Not only will you be braced for blast waves, but the angle will make your cleavage look fantastic! For maximum impact, make sure you’ve got 14 days worth of food and a great push-up bra.

“Fire and Brimstone”

This position is sure to keep it hot, hot, hot! First, get to a small interior room without windows and make sure you turn off all fans and air conditioning systems. You want to make sure no outside air (or any other unwanted interruption) gets in the way of your sexy shelter-in-place. Heat is a titillation booster — it increases sensitivity, so you’ll definitely experience intense waves of pleasure. Or maybe just waves of radiation in the event of a nuclear explosion. Either way, it’s bound to be a mind-blowing sensation!

“The Four Horsemen”

Here’s one that’ll really make the White Horse rear up! If you’re seeking shelter outdoors, you’ll need to find ways to keep warm at night. Gather together with the remaining survivors, huddling as close as possible to one another. Rub your body rhythmically against theirs to generate body heat (this works best without clothing), alternating between fast and slow movements to conserve calories. Make sure to moan and scream loudly so as to ward off potential predators. If approached, gyrate aggressively. The intensity will make you feel the earth move beneath you.

Originally published in Fiction Southeast. Reposted just in time for the end of the world. 

Published by Elizabeth Clausen

writer/person. I delight in terrible puns.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: